Opera has a lot to teach us about the wild and often hilarious world of love, sex and relationships. First love, marriage, adultery, incest, necrophilia, you name it – it's been covered in an opera.
It's O.K. to pray a little in order to get some. – Lohengrin
If someone is offering sex, take it! Don't complicate things! – Tannhäuser
Business and personal lives are best kept separate. – Pagliacci
Never let a chick do your hair: professionals only. – Samson et Delilah
She's a perfect match for you -- you're her prince and she's your princess. Just watch out for her mother. – Magic Flute
If your fiancee comes up w/ every excuse possible to not marry you soon, she probably doesn't want to marry you at all. – Don Giovanni
When you're trying to steal a girl away, don't threaten her by telling her what you might do to the guy whom she's with, while at the same time leaving butter knives lying around in her sight and within her reach. – Tosca
If you want to elope with a girl, do it without letting your dad know. – La Traviata
No matter how much you're in love with him, he can still cheat on you. Remember that! – Rusalka
When the girl is already married to someone else, it's probably too late. – Eugene Onegin
When you're trying to pick up a chick, make sure you're not drunk. Honestly, it's just a much better idea to impress women while sober! – Les Contes d'Hoffmann
Don't go for a woman who'd be happy to see your head chopped off. Seriously, stay away from women like that! – Turandot
When it comes to relationships, maybe it's better if you don't listen to your mom. – Magic Flute
Find out a bit more about a woman's background before you rush to start dating her, just to make sure that she's not actually your aunt. – Siegfried
When your irritating old husband says he's pulling the car around and is going to wait for you, it's a bad time to fool around with your sexy tenor boyfriend. Said old husband will come looking for you. – Manon Lescaut
Flirting with your fiance's friend at your sister's party is just not a good idea. – Eugene Onegin
Gamblers = bad. Princes = good. – Queen of Spades
If he's been gone for three years and hasn't even written you, just marry the rich guy. – Madame Butterfly
Beware the mama's boy. Inside each burns a murderous, jealous rage. – Carmen
Cherubino, Orlovsky, etc..... if he's wearing pants (or what passed for pants back in the day), he's a man. No questions asked about his suspiciously high voice, his petite frame, his rounded thighs, or his lack of facial hair. Whether you date him or not is your call...
If your first girlfriend turns out to be a robot, just stop trying. Nothing good will come of it. – Contes d'Hoffmann
Don't kill your girlfriend's relatives. – Pique Dame
Jewelry makes up for everything. – Candide
If she rejects you at first, pretend to commit suicide a few times, and she'll eventually give in. – Cosi fan tutte
Naked women are MAGICAL. – Das Wunder Der Heliane
Never beleive a soldier who tells you he loves you but has to go back to his country....especially if his name is Benjamin Franklin. – Madame Butterfly
Don't plan a tryst in the dark; your page, or your wife might show up. – Le nozze di Fiagro
Write her a song and then sing it to her. it's a sure-fire way to get in her pants. – Meistersinger
Egyptian princes are pussies. – Magic Flute
Tenors and mezzos just don't get along. – Carmen
It's okay to be love your coat, even if it is a little creepy and a bit out of place. – La boheme
Tenors get paid the most money for the least amount of work. – Rosenkavalier
The guys want to have sex with an experienced woman, but they prefer to marry a innocent virgin. – Rosenkavalier
Just listen to your daddy and don't speak with strangers, he knows better what's good for you. – Rigoletto
Diamonds are not always girl's best friends. – Faust
If you didn't order it, don't drink it. – Tristan und Isolde
Sometimes, you'll do really crazy things if it means your lover will stop suffering. And sometimes it doesn't help. – Tosca
It's okay to ditch your sick mother if the girl's hot. – Carmen
Don't have a romantic meeting in a poorly lit garden with an effeminate page running around. – Le nozze di Figaro
If there's a guy out there trying to get with your ward, don't let a mysterious young music student in the house. – Il barbiere di Siviglia
Talk to your girlfriend or else she just may kill herself – Die Zauberflote
Birds are hot – Die Zauberflote
So are army chicks. – La fille du regiment
Don't trust Spanish noblemen. – Don Giovanni and Le nozze di Figaro
If you want Daddy to approve of your relationship, just threaten suicide. – Gianni Schicchi
Its OK if you don't know his name, or where he's from, or anything about him. But swans are cool. – Lohengrin
Blame it on the champagne. – Die Fledermaus
"I was drunk, k?" ~Fledermaus
I'm a free-shooter. Look out, baby. – Der Freischütz
If your son was stolen from you in infancy, think twice before trying to marry a much younger man. – Le Nozze di Figaro
If she tells you in not one but TWO arias that she's fickle and a player, then don't get pissed when she kicks you to the curb. – Carmen
If you love too many people at one time, your conscious might trap you in a burning house. – Don Giovanni
It's true love ... only if there's a potion involved. – Tristan und Isolde
The best way to her heart is through the phone. – Telephone Hour
Sceances make for GREAT dates! But if the spirit actually comes back from the dead and someone gets shot ... well ... you'll live. You'll learn. – The Medium
Yeah, she's beautiful. But if she has a rich uncle, then you've REALLY landed someone special! – Gianni Schicchi
If she caughs too much, she's gonna' die. – La Boheme & Traviata
Getting involved with the first woman you have ever seen might be good, but make sure that there aren't any desperate spinsters around as soon as you leave her. – Siegfried & Götterdämmerung
If you're flirting and he just doen't get it, frame him and make him run away with you. – The Old Maid and the Thief
If your boss is sexually harassing you, get his wife involved. If you're lucky, you'll even get your true love in the end. – Le nozze di Figaro
Stay clear of women with an axe to grind. – Electra
She doesn't really love you for your talent. – Die Gezeichneten
Does your husband have a wandering eye? Rosina Almaviva suggests reviving the spark by engaging in a little harmless flirtation with your pubescent godson. Sure, the ensuing intrigue might take a few entertaining hours to sort out, but it should turn out alright in the end. – Le nozze di Figaro
A good, piazza-temperature
It is expensive to date in
Can't attract anyone? Concoct a love potion (Tristan)! But be careful, or you may be made an ass! (Midsummer Night's Dream)
Sometimes, she really is telling the truth when she says she's not cheating on you, even you did catch her in a really sketchy situation. – Un Ballo in Maschera
Just accept his proposal already, particularly if you're pregnant with his love child. – Vanessa
If you dress up like a girl to get your girl, and she transforms into a tree to get away, give up, man. Just give up. – Daphne
If killing yourself makes her sorry, then guess what? You STILL can't have her, 'cause you're dead! Idiot. – Werther
Never believe your best friend when he agrees it's "hands off the hot priestess". – Pearl Fishers
Having only one eye won't stop a man from looking ... and by looking, I mean screwing anyone who holds still long enough. – The Ring Cycle
My daughter, the only man who will have you is the man who can penetrate your cursed ring of fire. – Ring Cycle
Dude, she's your mom. Seriously. – Oedipus Rex
Do what the little boys say. – Magic Flute
If you have magical instruments, don't forget about them. – Magic Flute
Every so often, it just turns out that the girl you want to marry actually turns out to be a guy dressed up as the Queen of the Fairies. – Falstaff
Chicks dig castrati. – Giulio Cesare
It's all fun and games until you flirt with too many men - then various knifings ensue. – Pagliacci
Just don't ask. – Bluebeard’s Castle, Elsa & Lohengrin
If she's too good to be real, she probably is. – Contes d'Hoffmann
If you've struck out four times in a row, maybe your boring ass should stick to poetry. – Contes d'Hoffmann
If you've stuck around for 20 years waiting for Mr. Right, and you end up settling for Mr. Right Jr., don't be shocked when he knocks up your niece and is generally a douchebag. – Vanessa
If she says no, just marry her sister. Hey, it worked for Mozart... – Little Women
If he tends to sing unmelodic, atonal, unsettled gibberish, you probably shouldn't cheat on him. – Wozzeck
When the sketchy Master at Arms strokes you and tells you "handsomely done, me lad," ask for a transfer to another ship. – Billy Budd
Never trust a soprano when playing cards. – La Fanciulla del West
If you're dating a soprano in a Janacek opera, meet her stepmother first. – Jenufa
If you sing a duet with them, any woman will have sex with you...almost. – Don Giovanni
You can avoid charges of murder and rape by dressing up like your man-servant. – Don Giovanni
Always have a knife on hand. – Tosca
Never trust a bass-baritone who's straight. – Don Giovanni
I am waiting for my lover. Where is he? Oh, and who is this dead man in front of me? Oh yea, he's my lover. Oh yea, I was also the one who killed him. – Erwartung
Never marry a girl who won't take off her vail to show you her face. – Don Pasquale
Don't marry your nephew's girlfriend: she can't have good intentions! – Don Pasquale
True love is worth waiting for, even for the next 63 celibate years. – Pirates of
If you can't make true love work, just bureaucratically kill off your fiancee. And you'll live happily-ever-after...buried alive. Tra-la! – Mikado
Never believe any lady that wants to fix you up with her hot daughter in bondage has good intentions. – Die Zauberflote
Don't date guys with baggage. – Bluebeard’s Castle
Listen to the rumors, especially if they're laid out in a convenient aria format. – Don Giovanni
Spanish chicks are easy. Come on, 1003?! – Don Giovanni
He'll regret rejecting you someday. Seriously. – Eugene Onegin
All an uptight guy needs is to get trashed. – Albert Herring
Stay away from religious authorities. – Susannah
Sometimes you should just thaw out and let him kiss you before some innocent bystander gets killed. – Turandot
Hookers, don't give discounts: you never know who's secretly Jack the Ripper. – Lulu
Don't have sex with anyone. EVER. – Parsifal
Stay innocent and out of your fiance's family's business, and everything will turn out okay. – Gianni Schicchi
Go for the old woman. Sometimes she's hot. – Magic Flute
Love your woman even though she's fickle and unfaithful like all women? – Cosi fan tutte
Be SURE you know his or her gender, if that sort of thing is important to you. – Fidelio
The hot ones are always crazy. – Lucia, Puritani & Carmen (just a few)
If he's dead, he can't say no. – Salome
Consumption is sexy. – La Traviata & La Boheme
Don't piss off the dramatic soprano. You will live to regret it, though probably only briefly. Wagner’s operas
A fifteen year age difference really is too much. – Rosenkavalier
Gender is meaningless. – Alcina
It is possible to be extremely shallow and have lots of people still like you. – La bohème
Men suck. Prticularly American men. – Madame butterfly
Seriously, Dude, She's Your Sister. – Die Walküre
If your girlfriend marries your dad, it was never meant to be. – Don Carlo(s)
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