Tales of a Tenor: July 2008

Opera has a lot to teach us about the wild and often hilarious world of love, sex and relationships. First love, marriage, adultery, incest, necrophilia, you name it – it's been covered in an opera.

It's O.K. to pray a little in order to get some. – Lohengrin

If someone is offering sex, take it! Don't complicate things! – Tannhäuser

Business and personal lives are best kept separate. – Pagliacci

Never let a chick do your hair: professionals only. – Samson et Delilah

She's a perfect match for you -- you're her prince and she's your princess. Just watch out for her mother. – Magic Flute

If your fiancee comes up w/ every excuse possible to not marry you soon, she probably doesn't want to marry you at all. – Don Giovanni

When you're trying to steal a girl away, don't threaten her by telling her what you might do to the guy whom she's with, while at the same time leaving butter knives lying around in her sight and within her reach. – Tosca

If you want to elope with a girl, do it without letting your dad know. – La Traviata

No matter how much you're in love with him, he can still cheat on you. Remember that! – Rusalka

When the girl is already married to someone else, it's probably too late. – Eugene Onegin

When you're trying to pick up a chick, make sure you're not drunk. Honestly, it's just a much better idea to impress women while sober! – Les Contes d'Hoffmann

Don't go for a woman who'd be happy to see your head chopped off. Seriously, stay away from women like that! – Turandot

When it comes to relationships, maybe it's better if you don't listen to your mom. – Magic Flute

Find out a bit more about a woman's background before you rush to start dating her, just to make sure that she's not actually your aunt. – Siegfried

When your irritating old husband says he's pulling the car around and is going to wait for you, it's a bad time to fool around with your sexy tenor boyfriend. Said old husband will come looking for you. – Manon Lescaut

Flirting with your fiance's friend at your sister's party is just not a good idea. – Eugene Onegin

Gamblers = bad. Princes = good. – Queen of Spades

If he's been gone for three years and hasn't even written you, just marry the rich guy. – Madame Butterfly

Beware the mama's boy. Inside each burns a murderous, jealous rage. – Carmen

Cherubino, Orlovsky, etc..... if he's wearing pants (or what passed for pants back in the day), he's a man. No questions asked about his suspiciously high voice, his petite frame, his rounded thighs, or his lack of facial hair. Whether you date him or not is your call...

If your first girlfriend turns out to be a robot, just stop trying. Nothing good will come of it. – Contes d'Hoffmann

Don't kill your girlfriend's relatives. – Pique Dame

Jewelry makes up for everything. – Candide

If she rejects you at first, pretend to commit suicide a few times, and she'll eventually give in. – Cosi fan tutte

Naked women are MAGICAL. – Das Wunder Der Heliane

Never beleive a soldier who tells you he loves you but has to go back to his country....especially if his name is Benjamin Franklin. – Madame Butterfly

Don't plan a tryst in the dark; your page, or your wife might show up. – Le nozze di Fiagro

Write her a song and then sing it to her. it's a sure-fire way to get in her pants. – Meistersinger

Egyptian princes are pussies. – Magic Flute

Tenors and mezzos just don't get along. – Carmen

It's okay to be love your coat, even if it is a little creepy and a bit out of place. – La boheme

Tenors get paid the most money for the least amount of work. – Rosenkavalier

The guys want to have sex with an experienced woman, but they prefer to marry a innocent virgin. – Rosenkavalier

Just listen to your daddy and don't speak with strangers, he knows better what's good for you. – Rigoletto

Diamonds are not always girl's best friends. – Faust

If you didn't order it, don't drink it. – Tristan und Isolde

Sometimes, you'll do really crazy things if it means your lover will stop suffering. And sometimes it doesn't help. – Tosca

It's okay to ditch your sick mother if the girl's hot. – Carmen

Don't have a romantic meeting in a poorly lit garden with an effeminate page running around. – Le nozze di Figaro

If there's a guy out there trying to get with your ward, don't let a mysterious young music student in the house. – Il barbiere di Siviglia

Talk to your girlfriend or else she just may kill herself – Die Zauberflote

Birds are hot – Die Zauberflote

So are army chicks. – La fille du regiment

Don't trust Spanish noblemen. – Don Giovanni and Le nozze di Figaro

If you want Daddy to approve of your relationship, just threaten suicide. – Gianni Schicchi

Its OK if you don't know his name, or where he's from, or anything about him. But swans are cool. – Lohengrin

Blame it on the champagne. – Die Fledermaus

Champagne can make you way too flirty, but as long as you only flirt with your wife (even if she's in disguise) everything will turn out fine. – Die Fledermaus

"I was drunk, k?" ~Fledermaus

I'm a free-shooter. Look out, baby. – Der Freischütz

If your son was stolen from you in infancy, think twice before trying to marry a much younger man. – Le Nozze di Figaro

If she tells you in not one but TWO arias that she's fickle and a player, then don't get pissed when she kicks you to the curb. – Carmen

If you love too many people at one time, your conscious might trap you in a burning house. – Don Giovanni

It's true love ... only if there's a potion involved. – Tristan und Isolde

The best way to her heart is through the phone. – Telephone Hour

Sceances make for GREAT dates! But if the spirit actually comes back from the dead and someone gets shot ... well ... you'll live. You'll learn. – The Medium

Yeah, she's beautiful. But if she has a rich uncle, then you've REALLY landed someone special! – Gianni Schicchi

If she caughs too much, she's gonna' die. – La Boheme & Traviata

Getting involved with the first woman you have ever seen might be good, but make sure that there aren't any desperate spinsters around as soon as you leave her. – Siegfried & Götterdämmerung

If you're flirting and he just doen't get it, frame him and make him run away with you. – The Old Maid and the Thief

If your boss is sexually harassing you, get his wife involved. If you're lucky, you'll even get your true love in the end. – Le nozze di Figaro

Stay clear of women with an axe to grind. – Electra

She doesn't really love you for your talent. – Die Gezeichneten

Does your husband have a wandering eye? Rosina Almaviva suggests reviving the spark by engaging in a little harmless flirtation with your pubescent godson. Sure, the ensuing intrigue might take a few entertaining hours to sort out, but it should turn out alright in the end. – Le nozze di Figaro

A good, piazza-temperature Bordeaux, once it's been allowed to breathe, really IS a love potion! – Elixir
It is expensive to date in Paris. – Manon, Manon Lescault and Traviata

Can't attract anyone? Concoct a love potion (Tristan)! But be careful, or you may be made an ass! (Midsummer Night's Dream)

Sometimes, she really is telling the truth when she says she's not cheating on you, even you did catch her in a really sketchy situation. – Un Ballo in Maschera

Just accept his proposal already, particularly if you're pregnant with his love child. – Vanessa

If you dress up like a girl to get your girl, and she transforms into a tree to get away, give up, man. Just give up. – Daphne

If killing yourself makes her sorry, then guess what? You STILL can't have her, 'cause you're dead! Idiot. – Werther

Never believe your best friend when he agrees it's "hands off the hot priestess". – Pearl Fishers

Having only one eye won't stop a man from looking ... and by looking, I mean screwing anyone who holds still long enough. – The Ring Cycle

My daughter, the only man who will have you is the man who can penetrate your cursed ring of fire. – Ring Cycle

Dude, she's your mom. Seriously. – Oedipus Rex

Do what the little boys say. – Magic Flute

If you have magical instruments, don't forget about them. – Magic Flute

Every so often, it just turns out that the girl you want to marry actually turns out to be a guy dressed up as the Queen of the Fairies. – Falstaff

Chicks dig castrati. – Giulio Cesare

It's all fun and games until you flirt with too many men - then various knifings ensue. – Pagliacci

Just don't ask. – Bluebeard’s Castle, Elsa & Lohengrin

If she's too good to be real, she probably is. – Contes d'Hoffmann

If you've struck out four times in a row, maybe your boring ass should stick to poetry. – Contes d'Hoffmann

If you've stuck around for 20 years waiting for Mr. Right, and you end up settling for Mr. Right Jr., don't be shocked when he knocks up your niece and is generally a douchebag. – Vanessa

If she says no, just marry her sister. Hey, it worked for Mozart... – Little Women

If he tends to sing unmelodic, atonal, unsettled gibberish, you probably shouldn't cheat on him. – Wozzeck

When the sketchy Master at Arms strokes you and tells you "handsomely done, me lad," ask for a transfer to another ship. – Billy Budd

Never trust a soprano when playing cards. – La Fanciulla del West

If you're dating a soprano in a Janacek opera, meet her stepmother first. – Jenufa

If you sing a duet with them, any woman will have sex with you...almost. – Don Giovanni

You can avoid charges of murder and rape by dressing up like your man-servant. – Don Giovanni

Always have a knife on hand. – Tosca

Never trust a bass-baritone who's straight. – Don Giovanni

I am waiting for my lover. Where is he? Oh, and who is this dead man in front of me? Oh yea, he's my lover. Oh yea, I was also the one who killed him. – Erwartung

Never marry a girl who won't take off her vail to show you her face. – Don Pasquale

Don't marry your nephew's girlfriend: she can't have good intentions! – Don Pasquale

True love is worth waiting for, even for the next 63 celibate years. – Pirates of Penzance

If you can't make true love work, just bureaucratically kill off your fiancee. And you'll live happily-ever-after...buried alive. Tra-la! – Mikado

Never believe any lady that wants to fix you up with her hot daughter in bondage has good intentions. – Die Zauberflote

Don't date guys with baggage. – Bluebeard’s Castle

Listen to the rumors, especially if they're laid out in a convenient aria format. – Don Giovanni

Spanish chicks are easy. Come on, 1003?! – Don Giovanni

He'll regret rejecting you someday. Seriously. – Eugene Onegin

All an uptight guy needs is to get trashed. – Albert Herring

Stay away from religious authorities. – Susannah

Sometimes you should just thaw out and let him kiss you before some innocent bystander gets killed. – Turandot

Hookers, don't give discounts: you never know who's secretly Jack the Ripper. – Lulu

Don't have sex with anyone. EVER. – Parsifal

Stay innocent and out of your fiance's family's business, and everything will turn out okay. – Gianni Schicchi

Go for the old woman. Sometimes she's hot. – Magic Flute

Love your woman even though she's fickle and unfaithful like all women? – Cosi fan tutte

Be SURE you know his or her gender, if that sort of thing is important to you. – Fidelio

The hot ones are always crazy. – Lucia, Puritani & Carmen (just a few)

If he's dead, he can't say no. – Salome

Consumption is sexy. – La Traviata & La Boheme

Don't piss off the dramatic soprano. You will live to regret it, though probably only briefly. Wagner’s operas

A fifteen year age difference really is too much. – Rosenkavalier

Gender is meaningless. – Alcina

It is possible to be extremely shallow and have lots of people still like you. – La bohème

Men suck. Prticularly American men. – Madame butterfly

Seriously, Dude, She's Your Sister. – Die Walküre

If your girlfriend marries your dad, it was never meant to be. – Don Carlo(s)